Joel & Lila

***Note from the Editor: This is just a venting session for me to process some of my thoughts on the topic of motherhood…Please try to refrain from any comments of sympathy and sorrow…I know you care, but understand that I have not written this post for your sympathy, but with the idea of letting you inside some of my personal thoughts…and to help you have the spirit of gratitude, love and service. Thank you!***

Lately I have found myself asking “will I ever be able to have a child to love?” and “how long will I have to wait?”

Now I know that these two questions are ones that I shouldn’t dwell on, or even ask really, but there are times when it is nearly impossible to change my train of thought to something else…especially lately.

The last four years or so, I have gone through so many different emotions that revolve around having a baby…mostly sickness, but there have been a few times of joy quickly followed with sorrow and heartache…there was a time, not too long ago, when I would welcome holding a baby at any given moment, but now, I try to avoid it if at all possible because it is just another reminder of the sadness I feel almost every day of my life.

Luckily I have the gospel in my life and the perspective to prevent too much negative to dwell on…I am at times (more so then not) able to look at the blessings in my life and feel extreme joy and overwhelming love from my Heavenly Father. It isn’t easy…not easy at all!!

People who don’t have the gospel in their lives always seem to think I am nuts for wanting children and being upset that I am not able to have them. The most common saying is “well you are so young, don’t worry about it...you have a lot of life to live.” To them I say, HOW CAN I NOT WORRY ABOUT IT?? THE LIFE I WANT TO LIVE IS THAT OF A MOTHER…I WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN!! (yes, children plural for child)

I know my purpose on life as a woman, and I know why I feel the way I do right now…today I was reading the next church lesson for Relief Society and it is titled “The Women of the Church.” (p. 218) Here is what part of the lesson said:

“Mothers have a sacred role. They are partners with God, as well as with their own husbands, first in giving birth to the Lord’s spirit children and then in rearing those children so they will serve the Lord and keep his commandments…Motherhood is a holy calling, a scared dedication for carrying out the Lord’s work, a consecration and devotion to the rearing and fostering, the nurturing of body, mind, and spirit of those who kept their first estate and who came to this earth for their second estate to learn and be tested and to work toward godhood.”
“No greater honor could be given to a woman than to assist in [God’s] divine plan. I wish to say without equivocation that a woman will find no greater satisfaction and joy and peace and make no greater contribution to mankind than in being a wise and worthy woman and raising good children.”

Now after reading that, can you tell why I have such a hard time not having children right now? Ever since I was a child I have yearned to have a baby of my own…I have yearned to be called mommy…I have yearned to decorate a nursery and raise my children in the gospel. Umm, hello…newsflash to those of you who are mothers but feel dragged down…being a mother is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!! It makes me sad when I see children disrespected and treated like crap, but almost as sad, if not sadder to me is seeing children raised in the gospel, but don’t really have the love of their mother… I think that when the time comes that I have children, that they will be spoiled because I want to show them how much I love them and how much they mean to me…I hope to be able to show them that they are the most important thing to me in the world…

One thing that I find in the church is a lack of positive-reinforcement to those who have a desire to do the Lord’s will, but aren’t able to. During the reading I was doing today, I felt that there was a paragraph put there just for me…as I read through it I kept thinking…Man, I sure needed to hear this today! (I am grateful that it is in writing so I can refer to it often.) It stated:

“On occasions when you ache for that acceptance and affection which belong to family life on earth, please know that our Father in Heaven is aware of your anguish, and that one day he will bless you beyond your capacity to express.”
“Sometimes to be tested and proved requires that we be temporarily deprived—but righteous women and men will one day receive all—think of it, sisters—all that our Father has! It is not only worth waiting for; it is worth living for!”
“Those of you who do not now experience the traditional woman’s role, not by choice, but for reasons beyond control, can still do so much to help others.”

Ding, Ding, Ding!! I know that I have been given the spirit of service in my life. This last paragraph has confirmed to me that I can do so much to help others…the desire for love that I have can grow and be expressed by helping others. If you know me well at all, you will know that I love to help whenever possible. I feel guilty sometimes for working full-time because I am not able to reach out and help others as often as I would like…

Humm, well I guess the reasoning behind this tangent that I have found myself on is just to be able to talk through my feelings. It helps me clear my thoughts and get back on a happier path. I feel so often that I am crying inside (and quite frequently outside)…in the mean time, I guess I should work harder on expressing all the love and desire I have bottled up inside on others…such as my dearest sweetheart, Joel.

The End…for now

PS...On a more positive note, I have found a new doctor and will be pursuing fertility options starting as soon as next month. Please keep our family in your prayers and, if you happen to know anyone who is looking at putting their baby up for adoption, keep us in mind. thanks!!